Understanding Parents-Children conflict

The parent-child relationship is one of the most trustworthy relationships of a society. It is one of the long lasting social ties among human beings and a pillar for forming family. But a very common problem to every family irrespective of its social, financial status is conflicts between parents and children. Many times it is visible and many times it is invisible, but presence of certain conflict is inevitable especially among traditional parents and teenage children. The most interesting characteristic of a parent-child conflict is that, it can be over anything however small it may be, but in normal circumstances it is easily avoidable. So, why those minor issues turns out to be major conflicts in this particular relationship? Conflicts however are not long-lasting, but impact on family is always negative.

A list of factors is responsible for conflict, but root cause is 'Difference'. Difference in opinions and ways of expressing, difference of personality etc. collectively leads to conflict. A latest study has revealed that most of parents and children experience some conflicts and tension with each other. In which parents are more prone to tension, and older the child, the greater the bothering of tension. Many research findings says that, "Relationship problems like basic personality differences and parents providing unsolicited advice tend to cause more problems and it may be that these kinds of tensions are longer-term, and reflect deep-seated conflicts that you just can't escape, whereas conflicts about lifestyles, education or finances can sort of be put off to the side if you make an effort."

A famous psychologist once concluded that the teenagers and children do have an antenna which works efficiently to provoke them to do things which their parents do not like. At that time his conclusion was taken as authority by parents, as it gives them a chance to hide their faults in parenting. But later with more deep studies it was found that the scene was opposite. It includes parents too as a key factor for such conflicts. It suggested that both of them are responsible. Here I would like to include one more factor that children are forced by biological instincts rather parents by traditional factors. It is true in child rudeness, rebel nature is found but that is natural and a part of their personality building. Factors which turn out to be cause of conflict between parents and children are:

1) Parent’s expectations related to discipline, like social customs, moral values, choice of friends, time management etc.

2) Parent’s expectations related to understanding family responsibilities like family works, family relationships money management etc.

3) Academic performance including study habits etc.

4) Perception by children that, parents are less caring, taking away his freedom, less communicating, less inductive, but more indulgent and exactly opposite perception of parents.

5) Children think that parents interfere in their private life. It is more common in teenagers who do not want to share their life. For them it is meant to be outside of her/his parent’s authority.

6) A research suggests that conflicts are more likely and frequent where contact and interdependence between people is more.

7) An important factor behind such conflicts is that this relationship is not voluntary. Neither children select parents nor do parents pick their children.

8) Frequency of conflict depends upon the 'way of parenting.'

Every generation is full of struggles between parent and child. From the factors it can be concluded that parents are responsible for conflicts by pushing their children too far and expecting too much from them. Also, the role of child is prominent because they do not try being stubborn. Taking reference from above said factors it can be concluded that, following types of conflict in Parent-Child relationship occurs:

a) Dominance Conflict: Conflicts, in which parent or child try to settle every issue by the use of power. In such conflict individual feels that his values, beliefs, way of life and territory are threatened. Feeling of exploitation is key factor of reaction by domineered person who feels helpless.

b) Ideological variance Conflict: It is the healthiest conflict among any relation. Because of different ideological path, both of them may fall in a conflict. In such conflict both the parent and child openly address their complaints, problems and situation, and can work to come up with a satisfying solution.

c) Habit based Conflict: Due to difference in age, a lot of habitual and life style difference found in Parents and children. Also a feeling of compliance which finally led to an unnecessary conflict like conflicts on dress, types of recreation, personal choices.

d) Communication gap Conflict: Many times teenager and children complain that, 'parents do not understand them'. This rises because of less or non effective way of communication.

Conflicts in a relationship are unavoidable. Sometimes one could not express and sometimes one could not understand. The resolution to every type of conflict is 'understanding'. There is no specific way defined to understand each other. It is situational, one has to learn it. In parent-child relationship parent's side is more responsible for any conflict because out of both sides parents are mature side.

Arnold H. Glasow with his statement make parents only responsible as he states that, "Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath. But in last one suggestion which can be suggested to both parents and children is an old adage, 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all,' isn't good advice for parents and adult children." But have communication as avoidance can work as a strategy for dealing with conflicts. It appears to make things worse.

Suggested reading:

1) What type of parents you are?

2) Parents: Friend or Foe